From a Nation of Bros

With nothing else to do on a flight from Atlanta to San Francisco I ended up watching seventy or so minutes of an MLS match. Yes, shocking. Not so shocking was a 0-0 result between Seattle and Houston. The home side, spurred on by some of the league's best supporters, managed to put together a few good spells. All in all though it was pretty rubbish.

I guess Columbus play in Salt Lake City today but the only reason I'll watch this is to piss off all the punters at work who'd rather watch the World Series or basketball.

Anyway, most of the European league matches this weekend left little to talk about. Its all pretty much warm up for the second round of the fascismo derbi and then the Premiership cracker between Chelsea and Manchester United. Should you see a lack of updates after next weekend you'll know how the latter result went.

These are the Champions...

Another round of Champion's League group matches and another round of debate regarding the pointlessness and drudgery of the stages prior to the knockout round. The Guardian's match commentary of Chelsea and Atlético kicked off with one reader writing in and making the point that Kazan's brilliant away win at Barca will, at the end of the day, most likely amount to nowt. These one off upsets, the argument goes, lack excitement in the face of what the results mean in larger picture of the competition - Barca will make it out of the group stages and Kazan will still struggle to pip Inter and Kiev to the other spot.

Pass It! investigative reporter PJ Tizzo took time out from his plans to sabotage the Fascist All Star match in Madrid to call in and express his hope against hope that Atletico could take something from Chelsea. Of course as nice as it would be to see Chelsea drop points it would ultimately prove meaningless. Like Barca, Chelsea will most certainly make it out of their group. And like finding out there's no sex in the champagne room and what this costs you on your monthly credit card statement, we'll probably find another knockout round stacked with the usual Madrid's and Chelsea's and look back at that increasingly meaningless titillation of an "upset".

And if anyone wants to argue about the scousers don't even bother. While its certainly disappointing for a team of their expectations and standards to find themselves with two losses, its not much of an upset that these have come against Fiorentina and Lyon.

Talking points amongst the drudgery:

Will discussion of Rangers and Celtic joining the Premiership please end? Beaten, no slaughtered, at home against Unirea, there's something terribly rotten in the state of Glasgow. And you can't just blame it on lack of cash from TV rights. Last time I checked the Romania first division wasn't exactly shitting gold eggs.

Pirlo's goal against Milan - Team of the Decade stuff. Take that. In fact the fascismo derbi made a case for an interesting group stage match - five goals, terrible referring, a few handbags and more flowing locks than a L'Oreal commercial.

Are Sevilla shaping up to be the dark horse of the tournament? Granted they've only beaten a troubled Stuttgart, a shite Rangers and a Romanian side whose name conjures up a searing pain in the unmentionables. At any rate their one hundred percent record and recent victory in La Liga against Real Madrid have them poised for the more interesting part of the tournament.

And since Pass It! is not only about big, nasty, commercial football we'll mention that Gareth Southgate finally got the sack. Boro might be fourth but they've already lost four games and conceded only two fewer goals than Doncaster Rovers, who are in eighteenth in the league. Also, our favourite manager, Ian Holloway, saw his Blackpool side moved up to fifth in a very competitive league after a convincing 3-0 win against Sheffield United. Holloway, an often overlooked genius, is most famous for this gem:

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee."

Until next time, when we can only hope to find a fitter bird...

El Planchazo de Dios

Will someone please explain to me how Riquelme is not in the Argentinian selection?

Oh wait, never mind. I think I figured it out...

Team of the Decade

Since I have pretty much absolutely nothing else to think about besides football and McVities, and since I'm a fairly nostalgic fellow, I've spent the past few days mulling over the Team of the Decade. A number of my choices, or omissions, will be debatable but suffice to say I've made sure no Chelsea players feature.

Keeper

Oliver Kahn (Bayern Munich and Germany) - An absolute beast of a man. The fact that most people would choose a ponce like Gigi Buffon makes me sick. According to Raphael Honigstein's new book Englischer Fussball, Kahn's childhood hero was Scrooge McDuck. He saved up his pocket money to buy a cane and made his mum fill a bathtub with coins. Gigi probably spent his pocket money on Carlo Ventura shoes and threw temper tantrums when his mum over cooked his ravioli.

Anyway, as if this selection needed justification, from 2000 Kahn won the German league and cup double four times, a total of six league titles and a Champions League winners medal in addition to a runner up and third place spot at the World Cup in 2002 and 2006 respectively. It was at Japan/Korea in 2002 that Kahn really shone. He managed to keep five clean sheets and won the player of the tournament award despite being on the losing end of the final.

Right Back

Cafu (Roma, AC Milan and Brazil) - While certainly not one of the best defenders around, Cafu helped pioneer the attacking wing back position in the modern game. A tireless worker, his dedication is encapsulated by the fact that as a youth he was rejected by Corinthians, Palmerias, Santos and two other clubs before finally making Sao Paolo's youth team at the age of eighteen. Ten years later he captained Brazil to World Cup victory in Japan/Korea.

In his club career he helped Roma in 2001 win their first Ser

ie A title in eighteen years and at Milan he won another league title and a Champions League title.

Left Back

Roberto Carlos (Real Madrid, Fenerbahce and Brazil) - In addition to Cafu I've chosen another Brazilian wing back who couldn't defend for his life. But does any of that really matter when you can claim three La Liga titles, a Champions League title and World Cup medal over the past 10 years?

His pace down the wing and ferocious shots make him one of the memorable players of the decade and his thighs a sight to behold.

Centre Halves

Alessandro Nesta (Lazio, AC Milan and Italy) - Yeah, he looks a bit like a twat but Nesta was so good he made you kinda wish you could look like a twat too. Then maybe, just maybe, you'd be the classiest defender in the world. If a poll was taken on the most frequently bought defender for Championship Manager addicts I wouldn't be surprised to find Nesta as top choice. He's pretty much Rio Ferdinand without the missed drug tests and random lapses of concentration.

A league and cup double with Lazio, followed up with a league and Champions League title at Milan and a World Cup victory with Italy sum up his selection. While Cannavaro earned the plaudits for the 2006 victory, being a hero for one summer doesn't make up for being a mindless thug for nine and a half years.

Carlos Puyol (Barcelona and Spain) - Speaking of mindless thugs - being a blood pumping , chest thumping, Catalonia mindless thug for ten years will get you selected on the Team of the Decade. Sucks to be an eyetie mercenary.

Not the most technically gifted player to grace the Camp Nou, Puyol has been a rock for what is more often than not a shaky Barca back line. As captain he's guided them to three La Liga titles, a Copa del Ray and two Champions League victories.

Winning Euro 2008 without conceding a single goal in the knockout round only solidifies Puyol as one of the best defenders of his generation.

Right Midfield

Cristiano Ronaldo (Sporting Lisbon, Manchester United, Real Madrid and Portugal) - I never have and never will like Cristiano Ronaldo. As a United supporter I have to admit I enjoyed his goals and accomplishments during his stint at Old Trafford but his attitude and ego are abhorrent. Famously he once told a reporter that the three best players in the world were, "Ronaldo, Ronaldo and Ronaldo." And no, I don't think he's including Fat Ronaldo.

His play on the pitch, however, is absolutely devastating. While the other great right winger of the decade, another former United no. 7, David Beckham found his niche and slowly faded into it, Cristiano Ronaldo seems on a relentless campaign to improve his performances and to win more trophies, awards and plaudits.

There's little point mentioning his accomplishments. Watch him play and you'll immediately know this showboating, tantrum throwing, diving prat is

something very, very special.

Left Midfield

Ronaldinho (Gremio, Paris Saint-Germain, Barcelona, AC Milan and Brazil) - He could have been one of the greatest of all time. Unfortunately he liked a good party. Then again so have many of the best.

Like Ronaldo, he's won a bunch of trophies, none less than the World Cup, but it's his style and breathtaking talent that makes him one of the greatest players to step on the pitch in the last ten years. When he first hit the European scene at Paris Saint-Germain some of his moves were just absolutely mind boggling. He didn't look like he'd come from Brazil as much as from a completely different planet.

He's technically a forward, but he loves to make that run inside from the left wing so I've stuck him out there - free to roam wherever he wants.

Centre Midfielders

Zinedine Zidane (Juventus, Real Madrid and France) - Zizou. An absolute god. There's really nothing I can say that would do him justice.

I once lined up for seventeen hours in a failed attempt to get a ticket to see him play in Hong Kong with Madrid. I would have lined up for seventeen more if I'd actually gotten one.

Andrea Pirlo (AC Milan and Italy) - Yup, that's Pirlo hiding in the back - no homo. In fact not unlike his play on the pitch. As the man Italians called l'architetto (The Architect), Pirlo enjoyed building things up from behind - no homo.

In all seriousness he does have a pretty gay haircut.

Probably the most difficult pick on the Team of the Decade, Pirlo earns his spot for his incredible technical skill, vision, and long balls - no homo.

There's also the small matter of a Scudetto, two Champions League titles and a World Cup victory to boot.

Fowards

Thierry Henry (Arsenal, Barcelona a

nd France) - Va-va-voom. What more can you say?

Henry dominated the Premiership at the middle of the decade. He scored more than twenty goals a year from 2002 to 2006 and many of them with sheer brilliance. There's one goal, a backheel, that stands out. It encapsulates everything Henry brought to English football - daring, flair and class.

As if there were any contest he's also France's all time top goalscorer, won the Euro 2000 and thanks to last year's treble winning Barca side has won at every level of club competition.

Ronaldo (Inter Milan, Real Madrid, AC Milan, Corinthians and Brazil) - Yes, Fat Ronaldo. Its funny how people have been questioning his weight for the past eight years and he's still banging in goals.

Strangely enough, il fenomeno is the only player on this selection not to have won a Champions League medal. Granted if his career had not been so hampered by injuries he would probably have done so.

At any rate no matter how unfit he looked he always seemed to have that extra step on defenders. I will never forget his hat trick against Manchester United in the Champions League quarter finals of 2003. He scored every chance he had before being subbed off to a standing ovation from the Old Trafford faithful.

Manager

Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United) - Fergie's won five league titles and a Champions League title over the past ten years to add to the six league and one Champions League titles he won in the '90s. Most of those coming after he'd claimed he was going to retire!

Sure he's had a ton of money to spend - Rio, Veron, Rooney, and Berbatov for example - but its his ability to constantly rebuild the United team and retain a hunger for success that sets him apart from any other manager over the course of this decade. What other manager could lose top players like David Beckham, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Jaap Stam, Cristiano Ronaldo and continue to rebuild winning teams? Wenger comes close but he's yet to rebuild Arsenal in the aftermath of the Invincibles. Just don't mention anything about them Djemba twins.

Weekend Round Up

In a footballing weekend full of talking points all that really matters is that Madrid lost. And not only did they lose, but they were well beaten by a fantastic performance from Sevilla. The sensible footballing world salutes you, Sevilla. Gracias for putting these twats in their place...

Where there's smoke...

Funny how when things go terribly wrong on the pitch the media loves nothing more than to blow up whatever is going on off the pitch.

Last year as Chelsea struggled in the league there were innumerable articles about Abromovich growing weary of Chelsea, how he no longer went to matches, and the club's inability to turn a profit. This year, with Chelsea's good start, we've heard next to nothing about the club's owner or back of house situation.

Pompey, on the other hand, are all over the news. No points from the first seven matches but no one's talking about that. First, it arose this week that players' salaries were late ("We had a meeting this morning [with the squad] and assured them this would be sorted out," Paul Hart, said. "They turned it into a little bit of fun and have been terrific."). Then the incredible revalation that new owner, Sulaiman al-Fahim, will be going under surgery for kidney stone removal. And to think I'd already made my fantasy transfers this week!

It all reads out of a page from the Mike Asheley School of Business. Speaking of which, it would seem that Newcastle are proving the exception to my connection between poor results on the pitch and poor PR off the pitch. Top of the Championship, Newcastle now have to compensate £2m to former manager Kevin Keegan. It emerged that the club brought on a loan signing, without Keegan's consent, to enhance relationships with certain agents and simply on the basis of a few You Tube clips. The debacle caused Keegan to walk out and apparently lose a lot of pocket money. Then again, maybe my theory still holds water, as you might argue it's better to lose in the Premiership than win in the Championship. Just ask Phil Brown and Hull City...