Groundhog Day A Little Early for Gooner Kids

“Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.”

We all know how life at the Premiership works. You lose one match and when you wake up in the morning to read the papers you might have a club crisis on your hands. So it really won't come as much of a surprise to see Arsène Wenger's critics creeping out of the woodwork to continue their well documented judgements – not enough experience, not enough strength, not enough depth. Arsenal's supporters must themselves be a pit perturbed at Wenger's inability to bring in attacking options in the absence of Robin van Persie, not to mention shocked to see Sol Campbell, the only incoming player in the transfer window, back at the club.

Even the manager seems a bit fed up. After Sunday's loss to United Wenger criticised his side as “naïve” and pointed to “mental reasons” for why his side fell so short. The real question though is what does that say about Wenger? We've seen his young Arsenal side produce some scintillating football but repeatedly fail when confronted with physical challenges, “anti-football” and opposition players who can take long throw-ins. The issue has reached a comic point now as almost every report on the club finds room to break out the Islington kindergarteners line. But if his youngsters are naïve, shouldn't we label their manager likewise to continue with them?

As with a tragic hero, the Frenchmen's strengths can also be his undoing. Wenger's stubbornness and rigid adherence to his footballing philosophy produced one of the most fantastic sides from the past two decades. Yet these same qualities have meant Arsenal have not won anything in five years and failed to finish in the top two during that same period. There's no doubt of Wenger's eye for talent, shrewdness on the transfer market, and advocacy of the beautiful game. But that won't necessarily win you titles. Just as Don Revie. Well, I guess we can't technically ask Don Revie...

It's no secret, Wenger just cannot, or refuses, to adapt. What do you do when facing a physical Stoke City who like to utilize Rory Delap's long throw-ins? Apparently nothing, until after the match when you have a bit of a moan and wildly suggest the possibility of kick-ins. And what happens when your side faces an packed central midfield of Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick and Darren Fletcher? You think you might want to throw on a couple wingers and stretch the game out, but instead Wenger decided to crowd things further with Song, Fabregas, Nasri and Denílson in the midfield. Meanwhile Nani and Park bombed down the wings to devastating effect and left Arsenal looking well and truly like, well, Islington kindergarteners.

Of course you can't sack Wenger because he lost to United, the second place side in the league. And you can't sack him after Arsenal lose to Chelsea, the top side in the league, next weekend. But you do have to ask questions. Wenger might have to cut a piece of humble pie and take a look at his “untouchable” counterpart Ferguson as an example. The Scotsman has constantly been destructing and constructing sides since he took over at Old Trafford. A quickness to offload players, further quickness to give aging players a chance, changing formations and a revolving door of assistant managers has ensured Manchester United have consistently remained in the trophy hunt season after season.

While Wenger is often praised for his production line of good little footballers, his saving grace might be to gamble with a player who won't always say yes; with a bit of a rash streak to them but who can propel a team forward almost at sheer will. Not unlike another Frenchmen, one whom helped kick off Ferguson's success at United.

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Now that the first month of this new year new has passed we can begin to asses what lies in store for us in 2010.

1. Ronaldo reincarnated in Nani? I for one can't wait to see another Portuguese winger hepped up on steroids, photographed in bulging swim trunks, necking with Paris Hilton and flirting with a move to Real Madrid. Some flashy tricks, a few goals and crashing an expensive sports car wouldn't hurt either.

2. It seems Robinho has finally got some sense knocked into him and realized what a great career move leaving Manchester City can be. It did wonders for Richard Dunne. Robinho to win the World Cup in South Africa to this summer. Who knows how many boxes of condoms he'll need for that celebration...

3. Wayne Rooney will get injured prior to South Africa. You know it'll happen. What on earth will journalists do if he doesn't? England needs her daily metatarsal updates. Ad men at daily publications across the country demand them.

4. Rafael Benitez to remain in charge of Liverpool next season. Hilarious.

5. Sir Alex Ferguson discovers the best way to “put City in their place” and fields his U-16 Academy team in the Carling Cup Final. Post match reaction: “We just didn't want them to bloody win it! Even if its only the Mickey Mouse Cup!”

Weekly Update

Something tells me the real Berlusconi might not be smiling...

Cracking derby matches in Manchester and Milan, the magic of the FA Cup officially back on, a ten goal roller coaster at Villa Park, Barca taking the Winter Title undefeated, and frolicking Dutchmen in Bavaria ensured an action packed week of football no matter what you were watching. The only disappointment coming in the African Cup of Nations where the big stars and big teams have failed to live up to expectations in the continent's biggest football year in its history.

In Manchester most of the focus has been on Gary Neville and Carlos Tevez's little spat. Shame really, as the two probably couldn't get into a real spat without a translator and because the first leg League Cup semi-final proved a great match. The goals themselves weren't much to look at – Giggs being at the right place at the right time, City's penalty should have been a free kick - but Rooney's dominance in the latter stages and Given's incredulity at refusing United an equalizer meant that even neutrals could be forgiven for slipping off the edge of their seats. Both teams will feel they can take the second leg and set up a date with Villa at Wembley. The real question is whether or not Ferguson will rest anyone ahead of their league match against Arsenal on the weekend.

The Milan derby provided one of the best matches this season. Inter surged out of the gates, tearing away at Milan's injury hit and aging defense. They were rewarded with a Milito goal early on but things took a bizarre twist when the referee sent off Wesley Sneijder with a straight red card for nothing more sinister than a bit of sarcasm. Milan failed to capitalise, Inter scored another, Mourinho went a bit mad on the touchline and after the final whistle the unused substitute, and eternal pantomime villain, Marco Materazzi pranced around the pitch in a Point Break-esque Berlusconi mask. The only thing missing was a Super Pippo goal celebration.

Somehow the FA Cup managed to squeeze excitement out of every single tie. The pick of the lot going to Leeds' further revolt against Premiership big boys – this time against Spurs at White Hart Lane. Defoe missed an early penalty and the ubiquitous transfer target Jermaine Beckford scoring two equalizing goals, the second coming in the ninety fourth minute. Heroics from Leeds' keeper Casper Ankergren ensured a mouth watering replay at Elland Road as the consensus among fans and critics seems to be that the cup magic has returned.

The only true downer of the weekend cup ties was Arsene Wenger fielding a very weakened Arsenal side. Yet every cloud has a silver lining and Stoke City easily beat Arsenal's kids (and in football terms, a grandfather, as Sol Campbell made his return to the Arsenal first team) by three goals to one.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this week, there were really that many talking points but to maintain your sanity and my employment I'll finish the update with the week's funniest moment: Arjen Robben tumbling around on the sidelines with a rather reluctant Louis van Gaal.

Top Ways to Pretend to be a Footy Pundit

Go on Gary, get stuck in, mate!

1. Constantly lambast Liverpool for their zonal marking. Really? Exactly how do you expect to mark your opposition?

2. Or go on and on about Chelsea's diamond formation being their demise...Top of the league, game in hand – rather sounds more like a recipe for success.

3. Lament the loss of the magic of the FA Cup. Seems someone has forgotten that both Manchester United and Liverpool have been knocked out in the Third Round.

4. Moan about the current interpretation of the offsides rule. Strange, the interpretation makes sense and, theoretically at least, favors the attacking side.

5. Demand video replays. Take away referring errors and exactly what will TV presenters have to talk about? Hmm, in that case maybe there is a positive to introducing video technology.

   Anyway, welcome to 2010 - a World Cup year no less. Pass It! will try its best to get off its lazy arse and waste more of your time in this coming year.

   Coming soon: Who Goes First - Fergie vs. The Glazers?, More Articles About How Shite US Soccerball Is, South Africa Previews, More Empty Promises...

Same old Arsenal...

The Irish football association wants a replay. Thierry Henry thinks it would be the fairest option. Hell, even 82% of the French public said yes when polled about whether they think there should be a replay. Presumably the other 18% probably just feel sorry for the Irish and couldn't bear to see them sweat more blood, miss more golden opportunities and end up with nowt. Again.

But of course FIFA are licking their lips. The precious cargo of France and Portugal made it safely through the dicey playoffs. We'll all get to see Cristiano Ronaldo cry in South Africa. Of course that'll be after they eliminate England on penners and we all have to watch David Beckham and John Terry cry. Based on their performances over the past few years it will be a miracle if France even make it to a stage where crying would be acceptable. They might as well have just gone out to a "brave Irish side"® and sacked Domenech before what will surely be an embarrassing World Cup campaign. Seriously, their manager believes in horoscopes. It's the twenty first century and people still believe in that shit?

The only person making any sense amidst all the controversy is Ireland's manager Giovanni Trappatoni. As much as the majority of the footballing world would love to see a replay it would set a terrible precedent. Trap has rightly pointed this out in his post-match comments. Where would we draw the line? What about a missed penalty decision? A controversial sending off which could have just been a caution? A bad offsides call? There would end up more decisions off the pitch than on it.

Of course the easy solution is television replays. But that's not cool with the old school and plus it wouldn't leave us much to complain about. Every good story needs a villain.

From a Nation of Bros

With nothing else to do on a flight from Atlanta to San Francisco I ended up watching seventy or so minutes of an MLS match. Yes, shocking. Not so shocking was a 0-0 result between Seattle and Houston. The home side, spurred on by some of the league's best supporters, managed to put together a few good spells. All in all though it was pretty rubbish.

I guess Columbus play in Salt Lake City today but the only reason I'll watch this is to piss off all the punters at work who'd rather watch the World Series or basketball.

Anyway, most of the European league matches this weekend left little to talk about. Its all pretty much warm up for the second round of the fascismo derbi and then the Premiership cracker between Chelsea and Manchester United. Should you see a lack of updates after next weekend you'll know how the latter result went.

These are the Champions...

Another round of Champion's League group matches and another round of debate regarding the pointlessness and drudgery of the stages prior to the knockout round. The Guardian's match commentary of Chelsea and Atlético kicked off with one reader writing in and making the point that Kazan's brilliant away win at Barca will, at the end of the day, most likely amount to nowt. These one off upsets, the argument goes, lack excitement in the face of what the results mean in larger picture of the competition - Barca will make it out of the group stages and Kazan will still struggle to pip Inter and Kiev to the other spot.

Pass It! investigative reporter PJ Tizzo took time out from his plans to sabotage the Fascist All Star match in Madrid to call in and express his hope against hope that Atletico could take something from Chelsea. Of course as nice as it would be to see Chelsea drop points it would ultimately prove meaningless. Like Barca, Chelsea will most certainly make it out of their group. And like finding out there's no sex in the champagne room and what this costs you on your monthly credit card statement, we'll probably find another knockout round stacked with the usual Madrid's and Chelsea's and look back at that increasingly meaningless titillation of an "upset".

And if anyone wants to argue about the scousers don't even bother. While its certainly disappointing for a team of their expectations and standards to find themselves with two losses, its not much of an upset that these have come against Fiorentina and Lyon.

Talking points amongst the drudgery:

Will discussion of Rangers and Celtic joining the Premiership please end? Beaten, no slaughtered, at home against Unirea, there's something terribly rotten in the state of Glasgow. And you can't just blame it on lack of cash from TV rights. Last time I checked the Romania first division wasn't exactly shitting gold eggs.

Pirlo's goal against Milan - Team of the Decade stuff. Take that. In fact the fascismo derbi made a case for an interesting group stage match - five goals, terrible referring, a few handbags and more flowing locks than a L'Oreal commercial.

Are Sevilla shaping up to be the dark horse of the tournament? Granted they've only beaten a troubled Stuttgart, a shite Rangers and a Romanian side whose name conjures up a searing pain in the unmentionables. At any rate their one hundred percent record and recent victory in La Liga against Real Madrid have them poised for the more interesting part of the tournament.

And since Pass It! is not only about big, nasty, commercial football we'll mention that Gareth Southgate finally got the sack. Boro might be fourth but they've already lost four games and conceded only two fewer goals than Doncaster Rovers, who are in eighteenth in the league. Also, our favourite manager, Ian Holloway, saw his Blackpool side moved up to fifth in a very competitive league after a convincing 3-0 win against Sheffield United. Holloway, an often overlooked genius, is most famous for this gem:

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee."

Until next time, when we can only hope to find a fitter bird...

El Planchazo de Dios

Will someone please explain to me how Riquelme is not in the Argentinian selection?

Oh wait, never mind. I think I figured it out...